The Moment I Realized I Don’t Care
That night, I closed the door, grabbed my phone, played some emotional songs with headphones on…
I was prepared to cry
3 minutes 30 seconds later, the song has almost ended
Hmm?
My face was still dry?
Did I feel that…
There’s nothing to be sad about?
Wait,
I don’t feel desperate anymore?
Even though my mom has again negated my dream of becoming a writer after writing her a well-written letter…
Even though I know, she might never understand me…
Even though I know, she neglects my feeling once again…
I do not want to cry.
I am not sad.
Interesting!
Never had anything like that before!
I could go on and on about the things that made me cry before…
Is this what it feels like to believe in myself?
This article exists because of a Ted Talk. Initially, I did not think that my self-realization was worthy enough to become an article. However, after hearing this powerful speech, I felt that I had neglected how important this self-realization was to me, or potentially, to others. Thus, I wrote this article for those who were like me or who are like me now.
Growing up, I have always been ultra-sensitive. It is totally normal that I could be crying like hell just because of something someone say “carelessly.” Just give me a song, and I will be able to cry nonstop. Since I grew up in a divorced family, my standard of what a good kid should be like comes entirely from my mother.
Don’t get me wrong, I know she loves me very much. But she is also too straightforward and careless when it comes to saying and judging things. Even though you know that she says things because she cares about you, the way she says it makes it sound like hell. If I were an adult, I can for sure chose to stop listening (what I’m doing now). But as a child, I had no choice… Thus, before I become a more mature human being, most of my confidence and sense of identity came from her. Even though I don’t like admitting to it, it is the truth.
Thus, the only thing that I found relieving when she made me feel that I was not worth living was crying. Yes, I thought about jumping off the building…
Luckily, when I was 15, I chose to leave home and come to America for high school, not knowing much of what I was getting myself into. I have now forgotten the motivation behind it… Maybe because I have always wanted to leave, or maybe because my best friends are all in America… I have been to America for 7 years now, but my battle with my mom has never ended.
If I have to say how I become who I am now, I would probably say that it is because of experience, knowledge, and love. I will talk more in later articles about the experience and knowledge that I learned from America. To put it simply, I encountered a completely different lifestyle and culture when I have not yet built up my values. This vast difference in lifestyles and ways of thinking helped me examine my preferred way to live my life and not just copy my mother.
Why is knowledge also necessary? Because I think that the more knowledge one has, the easier they feel the need to learn more about the world. When I stepped out of my comfort zone and chose to study philosophy in college, I realized and examined, once again, the depth and diversity of my thinking skills. Thus, every time I learned something I was utterly ignorant of, I looked back on how I thought about these things. After some deliberate thinking and discussing with the most important people in my life, I changed some of my old habits to become a better person.
But love is probably the most important part of this story. My boyfriend comes from a normal and happy family, so he is a ray of sunshine compared to me. Because this is the first time I spend my life with someone and share our vulnerabilities, I was very much surprised at how differently we view things. I was insecure every other minute. Whatever he says could set me off to think crazily.
But his patience, as well as his confidence, impacted me slowly and delicately. I started to accept my and others’ imperfections. My eyes are able to see all these beautiful things happening around me. The greedy Canada goose along the Charles River, the dazzling sun, the weird-looking plants; the things that I thought could not be more boring have burst and shown their beauty. I’d like to say that he did not do anything special in this progress. He did not push me to do things that I didn’t feel comfortable about. He did not simply tell me to have more confidence in myself. All he did was standing by me the whole time, with support and love.
This is why I did not feel sad after my mother neglected my sincerity of becoming a writer. I understand now what it feels like to find the things I love to do and actually trusting myself doing it. Actually, he was also the one who suggested that I should become a writer. We would spend a lot of time talking about the topics I learned in class and thought about after class, and he thought these topics would make him want to click on them even though he knows nothing about philosophy. I actually refused this idea at first because of the reason I stated in my first article. However, after starting to think about what I could write about, I found out what it feels like to be focused on something…
People around me can easily steal my attention away, usually even when I am studying. If people were talking while I was doing homework, I would not be able to focus. Thus, I have always envied people who can concentrate deeply when doing anything. But I found out that, when I was writing these articles, I was able to, for the first time, completely neglect the world around me. Even when my boyfriend talked on the phone right beside me, I can still focus and write articles (some of the things you have to do during a pandemic). I was so excited. I thought I was too sensitive to neglect other people, but that was just an excuse. Maybe more sensitive people are harder to focus on, but this also helps us find out what we actually love doing!
It has been a week, and every day I feel something more than I felt that night. It feels so wonderful to not want to cry about what others think of me!
People always say that we appreciate the good things that we have after experiencing ups and downs. Nobody has a perfect family. We all have the capacity to improve ourselves as adults. At the end of that Ted Talk, the speaker mentioned that she hoped she could love herself like she loved her important ones. When being offended out of nowhere, one has the strength to stand up for themselves and says, I don’t need to hear this BS. I would like to say to everyone：
Yes, you deserve all the best！
